ok. I’m now doing normal butt things like most you humans do. I poop. I fart. I’m not great at pooping and I’m even worse at farting. The first few were….fun. Now it’s more a game of Russian Roulette, if that paints a pretty picture for you. I’m right away not restricted by any diet. I’m certainly not as sore as last surgeries, though I do have a pretty gnarly hole in my stomach where my stoma used to be. Before I had surgery I did scour the Internet on what to expect and google did tell me a thing or two about “butt burn.” Ahhhh the notorious butt burn. Let me begin by saying, no forums or blogs or “DANGER DANGER” signs could have prepared me for what this really meant. We’ve all been there. A bad hamburger at a dive bar, one too many late night crunch wrap supremes ordered through the drive thru on the way home from the bar, or just the good ol’ flu. Enough poo and enough wiping, will inevitably, lead to butt burn. There are creams, there are lotions, there are bidits, but nothing seems to quite soothe the ass from some killer butt burn. Believe me, I’ve tried it all. Because I pretty much sealed my fate the second I decided to document every step along the way of this poo disease that required the removal of my colon and the placement of a bag that held feces at my stomach, I really only have myself to blame for all this private info I feel I have to divulge. Theres no going back. This certainly won’t find its way into the about me on my Match.com profile. Also, relax, I don’t have a Match.com profile. Now I find myself falling into a spiral of sentence after sentence about how sore my ass is and expect to be able to smile at the people I know have to be thinking, “there’s a fire in his undergarments.” Anyway, today is really the second full day home. I’m pooping a whole lot. So much I lose count. It’s never run to the bathroom poop, which is good, and those of you about to go through this yourself, find pleasure in the fact that there is little if any pain when trying to go to the bathroom. Except, of course, the butt burn. I am also getting some senses of urgency where I’ll have to squeeze for a second or two and it’ll go away and I’ll be okay. It is a little painful and I’m not sure if that’s normal or not, I’ll have to ask at my follow up which is in 2 weeks. I’ll keep you posted as the days progress in hopes I find something to relieve the pain in my bottom. I’m hoping the frequency gets better with time too. I’m waking up a few times during the night which sucks, but was expected. Thank god this is the home stretch. I’m thinking now a good title of this blog post would be, “Fire in the Hole!”