oops. It’s been a while again. Sorry. I’ve been super busy catching up on work, getting stuff in the office done before my next surgery in A WEEK from today, AND trying to close on a condo. STRESS. I had a pouchogram yesterday up in Chapel Hill. Let’s talk about that for a second. Basically you lie down, they stick a catheter up your bum bum and they squirt contrast in your pouch. They have you move from side to side and snap some X-rays and you’re done. For all of you about to get this procedure done and are told it’s just a bit uncomfortable……that’s true. Kind of… The contrast is not bad at all. You barely feel it. And being someone who’s dealt with a lot of enemas in 10 years of fighting this thing, it’s bearable. Unfortunately, I don’t have 10 years of sticking a catheter up my butt. (Insert inappropriate jokes here.) not exactly sure what unit of measurement they use as the diameter, but let me set up the situation. One butt Doc says to the other butt doc, what size you want? To which head doc replies, “the 22.” Now, at this point I don’t know what that means. I have nothing to compare it to. Is 22 big? Or is 22 small? Secondly, why the hell are there different sizes? Right? I mean, can there not just be one size, the smallest a tube has to be to squirt liquid into a butt? that’s what’s going through my mind. BUTT what do I know? I’m no doctor. So, I lie on my left side, as directed, on a rock hard cat scan table. 2 minutes in and already my hip feels as if Mike Trout just took batting practice into it. Head Doc proceeds to stick 22 catheter up my Butt. This sucks. The first thing he says to me, “relax those muscles…don’t clench.”

….uhhhhhh. Don’t clench?? Relax my muscles?? Dude, you literally just stuck a 22 (still have no idea what unit of measurement this is) catheter up my ass, and you want me to relax my muscles. Dumb. I’m a pretty tough kid, I can deal with pain, getting blood is nothing to me, physical soreness and pain from the surgeries, though bad and uncomfortable, I can deal with. Internal pain, and butt stuff…I don’t like. Can you blame me? So Head Doc, after about 7 or 8 seconds of maneuvering the thing trying to get it far enough in, decides for whatever reason it’s not working…so he takes it out. Good right? NO WRONG. Now I know he’s got to start over, go back in. So, before I can even recoup and psych myself up for the next go, head doc is already at it. And again, for whatever reason, unsuccessful. He pulls it it out again. There are two other people in the room. Another doctor, who was squirting the contrast, and a nurse making sure I was comfortable and doing the dirty work. Taping the catheter, holding the bag of fluids, walking me to bathroom. She was super nice. Anyway. Head doc pulls out a second time. And the second doc says, “should we try the 18?”

!?!?!?!Uhhhhh. Yes we should try the 18. Why in gods name did we not start with the 18??? I don’t know much about this procedure, but I do know it’s not a race. So will contrast not drain through as fast now, or as much at once?? So what? I can’t see how that could matter. I’m going to go a bit off subject here, but this related and reminds me of this exact situation.

A very funny spoof movie on Comedy Central, WINDY CITY HEAT, basically about a gigantic prank on one man. He thinks he auditions, and gets the lead role in a feature film, and shoots a whole stupid movie, without knowing that it is all completely setup. He is the only one not in on the joke. All his friends are behind it and make it very stressful for the guy. I couldn’t even begin to explain. Anyway, there is one scene where the main character is tied up being held captive. In the scene one henchman is to grab a bat and hit him with it. The director puts two bats in the scene. A red bat. And a blue bat. The important instructions for the henchman that the director shares in front of our lead man, “the blue bat is rubber, the red bat is a real wooden bat. So do not use the red bat.” Of course they start scene and the first two takes the henchman grabs the red bat and goes to wind up and tee off on our main characters head, until the main character speaks up and goes “NO NO WAIT” he gets super super angry and after about 4 takes where the henchman continues to mistakingly grab the wrong bat, he ends up screaming, “WHY IS THE RED BAT EVEN THERE!?”

Ha. A classic. All that set up for the last line. And the point of the story. I couldn’t help but think of that as she asks, “should we use the 18?” “WHY IS THE 22 EVEN THERE!?”

Haha ok. I think I’m overtired. To sum this up. With the 18 it was completely fine. They got it in fine and once it’s in its not painful at all. It took about 4 minutes and they took it out, let some contrast drain out of my bottom and then that was that. I went to speak to surgeon. All good things, on track for surgery as long as the results from that test were good, (which they were) and CT Scan tomorrow is good. I’m crossing my fingers it will be. I have to wake up at 630 to start drinking gross contrast. Appointment is at 830. Then a full day of work. And then the weekend. 4 more work days until surgery. Surgeon did say although they aren’t going inside me and that the surgery isn’t quite as involved as the last two, it is a lot more painful. They’ll be putting the ileostomy back inside my stomach and in doing so will be stitching up the muscle there. Ouch. On top of that the gas pains are pretty severe from what I hear as everything starts working. As long as nothing goes near my bottom I think I’ll be ok. My friends Osty and Morphine will get me through the pain. And you guys too!! Thanks for stopping by. I’ll let you know when I get results from CT scan. If you have any questions feel free to comment or email. Oh, and one more thing. As for eating and drinking with the ileostomy. It is certainly true that it’s much more sensitive to foods than the colostomy. You have to be much more careful. There’s no pain, but it can get real watery, and frequent. And it’s just not worth it. Leaks at night and changing the bag at times when you shouldn’t be, is an absolute nightmare. I haven’t really drank any soda this period and I had two tonight with dinner, and a salad. And I paid for it. I had to empty my bag three times in an hour and am super nervous that I’m gonna leak tonight. I took Imodium and put two absorb packets in my bag to harden the stool. I usually only put one in, but playing it safe. I don’t know what I would do without those. They are a MUST if you deal with very liquid output. Alright! That’s all. If you take one thing from this post, it should be, watch WINDY CITY HEAT.